Because I am so fragile I can’t even bear it.
Because I know what it’s like to not be able to bear it, and it's the worst thing I can imagine having to live through again. I don’t want to know it for a second time, I tell myself in every moment that shows it lurching towards me once more.
I have shuddered with tears and been weighed down with a heaviness I couldn’t disconnect myself from. Eating issues- disorder. Dreadful, unstoppable sadness- depression. Stifledness- anxiety.
Fear- of trust.
Fear- of others.
Fear- of myself.
Isn’t it about time I found my true self, I ask, because I’ve spent so long thinking I have, only to realise it’s something else, only to realise that my true self is nothing more than a cloak I am able to change intermittently. But maybe that’s just it, for me or for all of us- maybe all we can get, all we are able to get, is a true self that lasts not forever, not from when we are born to the day we die, but merely a moment. A true self that is what you need when you need it, not what you need from the beginning and forever after.
It makes sense.
We’re changing every instant, every breathed moment, so how can one thing sustain us without changing? What if the person I am now, the person I am still becoming, is what I need in this moment- a fierce, bad-ass woman who hides her fears and clothes herself in her passions. And if I need someone softer, someone more touchable, then I will become that person. And it’ll be different, but it’ll still be me.
Do I need to be born the person I am? Or can I become that person, when I need them.