Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Becoming who I am in this moment.

I want to be a Mary-Lou Novak of wild girls, one who listens to the songs beneath their skin and own their sexuality, realising it’s nobody’s right but their own. I want to be a woman who is seamless and yet cut from a fabric that is stitched with glorious difference and stories that are mighty to behold, stories that are my truths. I want converses and winged eyeliner and books that make my skin breathe and sing and help me to become the person I want to be, now. I want a different colour of henna whenever I need it. I want fierceness for it’s protection, for my selfish needs. I want a barrier between my fragile self and the self people see and can touch, a barrier that is like a blanket, encircling and harnessing me, because if anyone, anyone touches that inner barricade that I feel at my very core I might very well shatter.
Because I am so fragile I can’t even bear it.
Because I know what it’s like to not be able to bear it, and it's the worst thing I can imagine having to live through again. I don’t want to know it for a second time, I tell myself in every moment that shows it lurching towards me once more.

I have shuddered with tears and been weighed down with a heaviness I couldn’t disconnect myself from. Eating issues- disorder. Dreadful, unstoppable sadness- depression. Stifledness- anxiety.
Fear- of trust.
Fear-of brokenness.
Fear- of others.
Fear- of myself.

Isn’t it about time I found my true self, I ask, because I’ve spent so long thinking I have, only to realise it’s something else, only to realise that my true self is nothing more than a cloak I am able to change intermittently. But maybe that’s just it, for me or for all of us- maybe all we can get, all we are able to get, is a true self that lasts not forever, not from when we are born to the day we die, but merely a moment. A true self that is what you need when you need it, not what you need from the beginning and forever after.
It makes sense.
We’re changing every instant, every breathed moment, so how can one thing sustain us without changing? What if the person I am now, the person I am still becoming, is what I need in this moment- a fierce, bad-ass woman who hides her fears and clothes herself in her passions. And if I need someone softer, someone more touchable, then I will become that person. And it’ll be different, but it’ll still be me.

Do I need to be born the person I am? Or can I become that person, when I need them.

10 comments:

  1. This is so insightful. And gorgeous. I'm in love. <3

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  2. This is beautiful. And a realisation I'm glad you've come to. We keep changing and growing as we get older. It's only been in the last few years that I've really been able to understand who I am and be comfortable in my own skin. Anxiety is always trying to stop me and bring me down, but I won't let it. This world will always tell you you are not good enough, but you are. We all are.

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    1. Thank you, Rochelle. So much. I'm so happy for you, that you're able to say you won't let your anxiety bring you down. It takes time and experiences, I think, for us to get to the stage in our life where we know what we want (and, like you say, it changes as we change). But when we get there... it's the best thing. xx

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  3. Oh wow!! You write so well! I can't really write out feelings , I look at my journal sometimes and it looks like a crazy person wrote it. I suppose it doesn't help that I only write in it when things aren't going well.

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    1. AAH! Angela! Thank you so much. That means a lot to me. I've felt so changed, in months or years, that when I look back at my journal I feel almost distressed that I felt like that or wrote that, because it's no longer accurate and what if someone else read it, what would they think of me. But then I remember that it *was* accurate. It was my life. And I'm so glad to have recorded it.

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  4. So lovely Romi! <3 Writing can be a liberating way to explore one's thoughts, dilemmas and heart. Thanks for sharing your words.

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    1. Thank you, lovely! That means a lot to me. Aah, I agree with that. And I mean, thousands of the words I write, I never, ever share. So when I'm open like this in the ones I do, it's like a really, really honest reflection of myself. I used to not be able to stand it, because "what would people think, what might they do now they know these secrets", but now... well it's who I am. And I'm awfully proud. xx

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  5. What an inspiring piece of writing about whether we are born into who we are or if we have moments and choices that shape us into who we are. I just loved it, and such a great way to bring across those thoughts <3

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    1. What do you think, Olivia? Born or shaped?
      Aaw, thank you, thank you so much. xx

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Have a beautiful day.x