Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Bittersweet Journals.



I’ve written in journals, sporadically, for years. I used to want to be that person who got to the end of their life and had written every day, but I don’t think I’m ever going to be that person. I’ve gone periods where I’ve written every week, every month, whenever I felt like it. I went almost a year, most recently, writing every day.

But I look back, at journals I wrote in when I was amidst my toughest, most breakable, when I was sinking or mindlessly happy or fluctuating. When I was thinking or considering something, anything, and I’ve felt so changed, in the months or years that have passed, and when I look back at the words I scrawled I feel almost distressed. Because I don’t remember the intensity of my feelings. I don’t vividly remember how close to shattering I was. And it hurts, to see, to relive. And what if someone else read it, I can never stop thinking. What if they read it and didn't realise that it wasn't their fault. That I don't blame anyone. There are excuses and I fill myself with them, but all the same- it's almost too hard to write down anything at all. Because what would they think of me.

But then I remember that it *was* accurate, even if it isn't anymore. It was my life. And I'm so glad to have recorded it.

10 comments:

  1. *blinks at comment above*

    ANYHOW. I wish I could write in journals! I seriously cannot remember to do it every day, but I think that my daily life bleeds in my writing and I can remember bits and pieces when I reread my work. A more esoteric form of remembrance, I think? But don't let anyone stop you from recording your life -- it's yours, why shouldn't you remember it? :D

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    1. Yeahhh... I had the same comment on about 6 posts when I opened my emails today. /:

      Uh-huh. I started during NaNo last year and... just couldn't bare to stop after it ended, but since about July I've been off it again. And I'm respecting the fact it's not for me at the moment. That's so neat, though, that is becomes a part of your work. Really true, also. xx

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  2. I know what you mean about writing things down. I am someone who writes almost every day actually. Mostly because I am forgetful and I like the idea of having details down so I won't forget, and it helps me remember as well. I will agree with you -- sometimes looking back is bittersweet. But I like it.

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    1. That's a good way of describing it. It can be really painful and even with elements of being disturbing, for me, but it's important. I think it's so important not to forget or let time take away the importance of what you felt. xx

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  3. During university, I kept creative writing journals. A lot of my journals contain snatches of fiction that still speak to that time and the person I was back then - I think any type of writing whether personal, diary form or fiction is a snapshot in time, and even though I'm embarrassed by some snapshots, it was probably something I needed to do record at the time, and I agree, recognising how we change is a part of life.

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    1. Ooh, nice. That's fantastic, Glaiza. I wrote short stories, regularly, for about a year, and it's interesting to see what topics I chose. I think that carries through to my writing, ever since I first started. What was important and what was touching me at those moments. Looking back, I can see how it comes through. And even when I never want the writing to be seen by anyone else, I agree. It was important.
      xx

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  4. I actually didn't really like writing about my true, sadder feelings, because I didn't want to look back and be reminded of those times. I rather write about happy things. But now I know that that's obviously something I can't do, because not only does writing it out help let it out, but it also accurately portrayed my life at the time. So yeah, it is very bittersweet :)

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    1. I used to be so wary of it, I think- mostly when I wrote a personal blog, but also occasionally when I journaled. But it helps so much, you're right, getting out what you're feeling, even if it's hard to write or admit. It helps so much. xx

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  5. I definitely used to write in journals throughout my school life, and in my 20s when I started blogging. These days I have moved completely over to my book blog, but I would like to start capturing life again with a personal blog.

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    1. I used to write a personal blog and it was sort of like a journal, but a lot more aware than what I wrote in private. I think the idea of you writing a personal blog would be great! I hope you do that, Jeann! xx

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